Get in the festive spirit by treating yourself to a Christmas Jumper from Bestdays Vintage
“Ho Ho Ho…does my bum look big in this?”
Something I can actually always imagine St Nick saying before he steps out the door for an evening of delivering to all the good boys and girls. As always the answer is a most unarguably resounding “Yes”. After all, eating approximately 7 billion mince pies, even if only once a year, will do that to you. And I’m even not sure on the other 364 days a year there is much of a training regime in the North Pole. Maybe Mrs Claus sends him to Zumba and Crossfit twice a week. This we will sadly never know. Anyway, eating pies, drinking milk, laughing heartilly and building free toys with the exploitation of elf slave labour is what Santa is all about.
He gets all the fun doesn’t he.
Which leads me on to thinking about the rest of us. If we dared to push the boundaries of sanity and fashion and step out into the snow covered world of Christmas in a velvet red suit, dragging around a worn potato sack full of gifts for unknown children, I’m sure we’d receive more than an icy reception (I’m not even sorry for that pun). So then, where’s our annual chance to don a ridiculously offensive outfit without thought to social or moral repercussion? Well good news kids…
THAT CHANCE IS NOW!
You heard me. It’s the 1st of December on Thursday and this means two things: 1) the sweet beginning of daily, mediocre tasting, cheap advent chocolate for 25 whole days; and more importantly 2) CHRISTMAS JUMPERS! That’s right. The time is nigh. Bury deep into Grandma’s wardrobe, raid the local charity shop and deny all dignity. This is the beautiful time of the year where humanity can say goodbye to all common decency and drape itself in the moth ball saturated musk of recycled jumper heaven.
Now for you festive novices out there, I’m going to highlight some prominent fundamentals when hunting for your Christmas Jumper of choice. This etiquette must be adhered to at all cost. The reward will be the envy of even Kris Kringle himself, and the respect of your fellow jumper-neers giving the finger to the Winter world. For starters, it’s vital to leave no stone unturned in this quest for festive fame. Vintage shops, charity shops and your grandparents’ loft are all your best friends. Be wary of supermarkets, as you don’t want to turn up to boxing day dinner in the same sweater as your Aunt Pauline, and subsequently forced into agonising conversation dryer than the leftover turkey. Extra points for making your own or commissioning a child to make one for you. Kids make drawings of their family dog look like a Lassie inspired acid trip, so creating a modern work of wearable Christmas art is right up their street. If you can’t convince little Timmy to deliver the goods, then make sure your purchase is more carefully thought out than your first message on tinder. Remember this little number is going to set the bar at all future Christmas functions and shindigs.
“Remember this little number is going to set the bar at all future Christmas functions and shindigs”
Look for a seasonally strong textbook colour scheme, preferably in a crew neck fit. Now comes the design. This is the crucial bit. The pièce de résistance. It needs to be more outlandish than Neville Longbottom before puberty and just as clumsy. Go for big prints, overindulging patterns and merrily cliché slogans that emphasise your loving bond with that little piece of Christmassy cotton joy. The older the design the better too, though 80’s and 90’s seem to be consistently where the gems are at. If it’s a little bit tired or has seen better days, then you’ll score extra high. Nothing says “I’m here to party” more than a jumper covered in cranberry sauce stains and cigarette burns from years past. Thus penultimately, leading me on to inform you, it’s an obligatory requirement that you must never wash your Christmas jumper. Ever. Remember, your jumper is a sign of all that is good about the festive season. A banner for the those who never really left Santa’s grotto as a kid, and for all of those who’d like to return and smash the place up with a pint in their hand.
Now go get them you Lapland loving tiger you.
Special thank you to Bestdays Vintage Clothing! All of the Jumpers featured in this article are available in their store in Colchester town. They are also on Square 3 tomorrow http://www.bestdaysvintage.co.uk/