“Pussy” or Presidency: What has Trump really got his tiny hands on?
Samuel B Wells explores the relationship between Trump, the carrier bag charge, fake tans and Sharknado
It’s been an inauspicious 12 months or so for planet Earth.
First Bieber went to number one, then the extortionate 5p carrier bag charge, a clumsy Brexit, reminiscent of a stuttering first date, and now Donald J Trump, the only human with a spray tan worse than Lindsay Lohan, has become President of the United States. The four horsemen are finally upon us and no length of repenting is going to change a thing.
The aftershock of panic covering the globe will undoubtedly be felt for months, after all, the earthquake hit whilst we were all sleeping. However, as we begin to wake amongst the rubble and scramble for some comforting possessions, our brains are undeniably overwhelmed with more questions than we care to admit. Will the dust settle on a reformed landscape that’s as scary as we are all led to believe? Or will it actually produce a fresh canvas on which we can paint whatever the hell we want? After all, we as people made the choices for all of the above, with the exception of some unnerving terracotta tans, and its left the surprising glimmer that nothing seems impossible now. I’m even considering ordering a Virgin Galactic brochure; much the same as every liberal American who can’t get in to Canada is probably considering right now too.
“I’m even considering ordering a Virgin Galactic brochure; much the same as every liberal American who can’t get in to Canada is probably considering right now too.”
There is no question however, that Trump has clearly proven himself to be a worthy adversary, and for what seems to be the vision for the vast majority of the American people, the messiah of a political revolution that will indeed ‘make America great again’. So taking a momentary pause from globalised Manifest Destiny, tacky trucker hats and a colossal concrete curtain that the vacuum of my fear is made up of, is it as really much of a shock as we think? From the unavoidable river of media coverage, the one person who appears to be the most surprised at the election outcome is actually the President-elect himself. Sure, Hilary was the safe bet but so was Robb Stark and look how that turned out. If I try to wade through this rationally, chucking my moral compass in to the sea, then I can honestly say I’m not that shocked at all. Well, not half as shocked as I was to return from my travels to find its going to cost me 5p to transport my milk, bread and latest Bieber album home. That’s a lie, I have a milkman. My logic however, can be broken down into 3 distinct points. Just apply these and all the post-election shock you felt before reading this article will instantaneously subside. An election elixir if you will. Repeat every 10-15 minutes or as needed:
2. The Kardashians
3. See points 1 and 2
Now if you can grasp how a country gave birth to either of those nonsensical creatures, then coming to terms with the fact that the same country elected a person with about as much political prowess as Elmo shouldn’t be too hard. Actually, without doing Elmo an injustice you can draw quite a few parallels between the two: both appeal to an adolescent intellect, look like they are being worked like a puppet, and belong on TV, not in the White House. This may seem like I’m biased, which is true. I am biased towards humanity. And seeing that the only redeeming quality I can draw from the Queen of the East Coast elite is that she isn’t Trump, Hillary doesn’t get me jumping out my chair either.
“Sure, Hilary was the safe bet but so was Robb Stark and look how that turned out.”
So now he’s in, what will he do? Trump himself looks like he is still figuring that one out. Having zero political experience may have helped him to the Oval Office, but it’s not going to help him keep it, or more importantly, run it. Expect back tracking, side tracking and a fair amount of napping. He is 70 after all. The only thing that we can undoubtedly establish from this whirlwind of democracy is that no matter how racist, sexist, narcissistic or orange you are, as long as you have your own TV show and twitter account, you can still become the most powerful being in the world.
Vote Elmo 2020.